i feel a lack of color here. everything is out of reach. my chest pulls tighter and tighter. imagining you're here is not the same. tell me this wasn't a dream. tell me you're still coming home.

tell me when you hear my heart stop. you're the only one that'll know. tell me when you hear my silence. you're the only one that'll listen.

the thing is, i have no outlets to plug in to. i feel like i'm losing battery power.

there's nothing on my mind anymore but getting out, and honestly, i'm not sure i know what i'm trying to get out of.

there i am, wondering, where did i go?

sitting out on the back steps late at night praying that one day i'd be able to find myself.

even if myself, was in some other person.

these days, i've lost touch with everything.

in a room full of people, i'm just looking for me.

i have ignored everything.

this is the hardest part. only two of us in the world, know what i'm feeling.

she starts laughing and says, it's so obvious, i don't know why you haven't figured it out yet.

sooner or later, everything gets to the surface.
sooner or later, everything becomes clear.


she says, where does your mind go, when it starts to wander?
and now, when my mind starts to go, i know right where it's going.

if you're the one losing, than why do i feel lost.
the hardest thing was watching you leave me there.
but i was the one who left.

i am not looking back. i gave what i gave, and i'm not sorry.
the first time i've learned my lesson since god knows when.
i realized what it was that was missing. and it was when i needed you, that you were never there.
i held it against you, made a mental note of all the secrets you kept. a tally mark for every promise you couldn't keep. i cannot say that the damage isn't done. i'd be lying if i said i'd been hurt like that before. but it's done, and it's dead. there is nothing i could say or do to get back what we had. and the truth is, i don't want it. it was happiness for me, at that moment i got off that plane, drove the hour and a half home and ran into your arms. that was what made this all worth it. i don't need an apology, i already know you show no remorse. i already know all that effort you said you put into us, was only your need to have something in your life go right.
and yes, i felt completely and entirely used and betrayed for most of the time i've known you, but for what it's worth, i know you loved me. even if only for one second. because that one second had kept me by your side the entire time. i said some things i can't take back, and even then, the occassional action spoke louder than the millions of words. but for what it's worth, in my heart you were all i could see.
through all that we've been through, i've rid myself of you. all the time, all the money, the packing up and leaving every two weeks, the brutal arguments, the heartfelt apologies, the i love yous, the i hate yous. it is all out of me.

i wish the best for you, i hope you'd wish the same for me.